I like this....
Things I find funny
WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children OBLIGED.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.
11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leadsâ�¦
[BUYING AND SELLING]
PLEASE PAY CLOSE ATTENTION.
I recently traded my GUY legs for BLOKE legs. ONLY BECAUSE there wasnt much difference in stats. I added up the stats and there was only a 4 point difference, so I TRADED AND CHARGED HIM 80K (20K PER POINT, SAME RATE AS A TP). I only believe in fair trades. If you are trying to get rich quick please look somewhere else. I earned my nest egg by playing the game and making smart decisions. You should do the same
0) Until further notice I will be declining all Sparky and Kelvin battles. They used to be a fun waste of time, but now they are just a waste of time.
1) I don't make loans. Period.
2) If I haven't posted a board asking if anyone is selling an item, I do not want it.
3) If I haven't posted a board asking if anyone wants to buy a particular item of mine, it is not for sale.
4) I genuinely do not care about your crew/krew/crue.
And one last thing:
Begging will get you nothing
PASSWORD SUSPENDED TILL FURTHER NOTICE
The Origin of the Password.
It was a warm and sultry night on the Caribbean beach. The palms swayed gently on the warm breeze and the small waves caressed the sand.
I heard a sound like a soft growl coming from behind my Jeep and turned to see her approach. She was supple and fluid. Sweat beaded on her taught stomach and she moved like a Jaguar ready to pounce. I was interested but cautious.
"Hey, I'm Zoomer what's your..." and she attacked. When I came to I was battered, bruised and shredded. She stood over me and licked the blood off her claws, a satisfied smile on her lips. She leaned down and grabbed my chin. Her lips were blood red and her breath smelled like cinnamon. Her eyes were emerald green. "You forgot to say the secret password," she said. "It was COOKIE." She let go of my chin and stepped away, moving with grace and power. Before disappearing behind my Jeep she turned & smiled, "You can call me Chica." She winked and was gone into the night.
So, don't forget to use the password when you enter an assault. You don't want her teaching it to you the hard way.
My Sidekicks Names are: Wolfgang, Ben & Jerry, Lobita, Kong, Raid and Burpy
If you've read all the way to here thanks for sticking with it. Send me a urbogram with the quote "Que Bueno" so I'll know that you made it. lol
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars". Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent".
INTERPRETER TO THE MAFIA
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job;if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of
their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs,"Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."
The interpreter tells the hood,"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"
The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."
The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
Did I ask for it?
Is it in my trades?
Well do you think I want it or am selling it?