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Junky To Funky


I am the King of the World!!

Life and near-DEATH

No problem your majesty...

So there I was sweating bullets! WONDERING....PRAYING that someone would show up and save my drooping worthless butt. And then like a ray of hope Zoomer_McTraveller appeared. He said "Hey Jack." That man is just so casual in the face of undeniable terrifying power.

It was apparent Mystical_Moon_Chic left us to die like a couple chickens in the middle of a roundabout during heavy traffic. But even with my last breaths I wouldn't curse her majesty's name. I knew she must have been enthralled in a most puzzling dilemma to leave a wee child of 24 and Zoomer all by their lonesome to stare upon the infinite event horizon of certain death!

The battle began with a click on the left mouse button and already my forehead and nether regions were moistening like a turkey cooking in the oven.

Zoomer began by sending out his trusty lame-wad of a sidekick to go fluff the pillow of the first opponent. I stood aghast at his bold stupidity as he cheerfully added "target practice." My hands burned at the urge to slap the acne cream off his arrogant mug, but the certain 1 hit death retaliation stayed my hand.

I'll write some more once I get some more responses ... positive or negative.

(Does anyone want to hear the rest of the story on page 1? I'll continue it once I get a good deal of negative or positive responses. 1 - No, 10 - Kiss me and continue you literary master!, 2 - Your story is dull and witless, much like you. and 8 - Sure)

Part 2:
In spirit, I leaped into battle, to make up for Zoomer's baby powered throttling, and because there wasn't really any animation. I sliced viciously with my +5 vorpal flaming Urbosaber.

Urbosaber: +5 Vorpal, Flaming (3d6 fire) Urbosaber (1d2 +5 to hit and dam)

My enemies head literally jumped free from its neck based prison and soared gracefully through the air. A burrito, it had been eating, came out in chunks from the throat of the now bloody stump of a neck. The burrito was surprised as it touched the open air and not the digestive stomach acids it was sure to encounter.

The head landed cleanly at my feet and began to gnaw franticly on my ankle.
I tapped my heels together and said "There's nothing like barbecue." At the secret vocal command fire erupted from my rocket boots toasting its face nicely. I was pleased that I could give him a glimpse of his eternity before the last flicker of life left his eye.

Zoomer praised my accomplishments "Nice Jack." He's a master poet in the art of simplistic accolades.

Beads of sweat began to form and hang daintily off each individual armpit hair as I waited for the enemy to claw his poorly drawn meat hooks across ... Zoomer's smug mug ... yeah.

A mighty swipe sent a torrent of air across the battlefield blowing me hard against the discotheque wall. The hate filled hand of the enemy cut viciously at Zoomer. Its mighty pinky finger caught the edge of Zoomer's face and danced gracefully across it leaving behind a thin red trail of blood.

Will Zoomer attack with his patented lameness power again? Will Jack have time to change his adult diapers? Will we finally discover what and how many enemies our heroes are fighting? ...


Well...maybe next episode. Until then super friends drink your ovaltine!

(Must the show go on? Part 3 of the story on page 1? I'll continue it once I get a good deal of negative or positive responses. 2 - No, 11 - Kiss me and continue you literary master!, 3 - Your story is dull and witless, much like you. and 11 - Sure.)


Part 3!!!! (The conclusion ... maybe)
Zoomer's face remained expressionless, yes because he has no facial animation, and because he's tough like a like a cannon that shoots out professional body builders made of steel!

The enemy and I watched in amazement as a little red -1 floated out of Zoomer's head. I thought to myself he must be a total weirdo like I'd always imagined but then again with great power comes, uh, little numbers floating out of your head.

The enemy's turn had ended and the ball bounced happily back into Zoomer's court. A cool look came over his face as he raised his Urbosaber HIGH into the air. Lightning cracked behind him, pedestrians stopped in their tracks and looked on squinting at the brilliance, the world stopped spinning and for a brief second the whole world stood still together forever bound in the eternal vastness of a cosmic singularity.

Then Zoomer like totally smashed the hell outta that guy! One blow tore his skin completely off sending it flying through the air like a cloth caught in a tsunami. Stuck in the flames of the Urbosaber organs burst and char to a fine crisp. Even the eyes tore free from their sockets and jumped to freedom rolling safely across the discotheque floor. One eye turned to the other and said "Man did you see that we almost got totally scorched by the freak with the flaming sword!" The other replied "Snibity dibity Dawg!"

Blood shot all around like some kind of laugh inspiring sprinkler system, a big -340 jumped out of the skeleton and the body turned kinda translucent. Yeah, uh, nothing made sense anymore ... so I walked over and searched through the bodies pockets for a wallet or maybe an expensive watch to sell at the Pawn Shop.

Well kids ... that's the end of this here story. In the end I came up with 250 urbos and told Zoomer they didn't have anything. He said "That's weird, no money huh, well do they at least have any TP?" I searched and found some, I handed it over, and he took it and went to use the bathroom.

And THAT is how I almost got murdered by 2 henchlings ... and Mystical_Moon_Chic didn't help us AND Zoomer saved me ... yeah ... so now you can go home. Thanks for coming out!


Nothing is for sale or trade ... NADA ...

You think you know ME? You don't know me...

I live:
In FRESNO ... so awesome ... words cannot describe. It's quite beautiful in its overwhelming simplicity.

You live:
Far away from me in a great place where people smile and there is always horrible traffic because everyone wants to live there.

She was my valentine for 2007 ... it was very romantical ... but Korune made me bring her home early cause I'm not a vampire and I'm also a hero ...

1 Year anniversary (Wednesday, January 9th, 2008) = WOOT been on for a whole year ... someone give me a trophy. School is like my kryponite right now ... keeps me from logging on ... urge to shoot lazers from my nipples = RISING.

Urbaniac of the Day:
March 12th 2007 ... oh yeah ... it can happen to you to!

Urbanville Lottery:
April 9th 2007, June 13th 2007 and November 2007 (can't remember the date) ... oh yeah ... it can happen to ... me! Muahahaha and it did ... oh yeah rolling in this money is sooooo good! Pfft - it feels good and thanks for the congrats friends.

My Nadia:
Her name is Rosco ... she grew up with a hard life on the streets of New York!

My Friends:
I'm not really sure if I have any. I have lots of Homies...but *sniff sniff* I don't know if they are truly friends. Send me an urbogram declaring friendship and it's that simple ... the first one to do so will become my "BEST" friend.

Friends and Mates so far:
(1) Manutd "hello jack :P i read your lair, heeheee, AM YOUR FRIENDDDD", HAHA, now am your best friend :P :P :P" - Manutd A.K.A. Tude & Man ... & Manu? = 1st responder and now "BEST FRIEND." He saved the original request ... what a guy ... I take back all those questionable things I said about him and replace them with "Manu = Cat's Meow."
(1.5) Kali_Maa "I don't understand how we could not be friend after all we have been through. You even have my personal e-mail address. You know I am your best friend and personal "back rubber" so you better list me on your page at least close to the top!! Thanks sweetie" - Well Kali I guess we are friends AND all those things we did that required personal e-mails ... well I have to say I enjoyed doing it and I'm sure you're glad you didn't have to pay for it ... YET! Welcome to 1.5 as per your request.
(2) Jewel "???? Hey you sweet thang! Not only are you my favorite nephew!!! But of course I'd want to be your bestest of friend too.... but I don't have a clue of how I asked you if I could be your best friend too X)
sorry idder..Love you! CAJ = crazy aunt jewel + Okay, It might have gone something like: who want's to be Jackmove's best friend.. and I respond: I do I do!!!!" - ... good for you number 2 aint bad! It comes with extra prize money. Love to the bestEST aunt in the universe ... that's right everyone else's aunt = lame when compared.
(3) CatCougar "i made another request but it said you were already my friend. but you can cherish this because you know i cared enough to try. :-P CC" - CatCougar A.K.A. meow meow & Kitty Kitty my older sister ... and apparently youngest aunt. Geez meow meow I need some psychoanalyzing to get through that conundrum.
(4) Dracula "Oh come on i gotta be in the in crowd! Seriously, let me in....or else :P" - ... he bites and then complains how the lead taste burns his throat ... lame Santa Cruz vampires. Vampire cat's ... turtles ... he's got a 1 track mind, but at least he's dedicated.
(5) Crazy_azn_bd_lover "I was wondering, since we were valntines and such, since you already have a best friend, can i be your bestEST friend? Yours truly, Your valenine, CraZ" She sure loves those bds ... or asians ... we know she's crazy for sure! And you can't have enough of those kinds of friends, someone has to keep the attention of the police while the rest of us sneak away. Upon request she's now my bestEST friend.
(6) Love_Child "After all we've been through, the DA, the faux fur, the charming, the silly-nesses, and wonderful artwork... you don't have me on your list of friends in your lair??? It really should have been a given. A GIVEN!!!" - Ahhh the lovely Love_Child. We all know her and we all love her ... us admirers seldom get as much love as they give in return but I do and at least she's my friend!
(7) Afro_Chic "Somehow I have an ill feeling that if I do this for you, someone is going to get upset. Eh, they will get over it. I think I'm hurt that I haven't been included on your friend list. Affy and Jacky, now THAT'S a winning combo. Wait, I think I'm too funky to get hurt. No I'm hurt, but in a funky way. Scratch that, I'm hurt but in a VERY funky way. So...Whaddaya gonna do about that? *seductive wink* Affy - Oh Affy a more fun and friendly person I would be hard pressed to find. Without you this game might just be a total downer!
(8) Summers "did anyone ever send you a gram declaring you their friend?
if not I'll be your friend." - Of course people sent in requests to be my friend ... the request poured in so quick manutd was my best friend in like 1 hour ... and then the others took weeks but still ... see I got 8 friends ... with the mild possibility of more to come!

They get a free ride on the super duper mega ultra FUN SLIDE!!!! It starts with a quick descent and turns into a tube slide. It makes a number of twists and turns and even does a loopty loop and opens up into the most delightful chipper shredder EVER! The make-up, skin and rubbery costume are diced up into uncle Jackmove's tasty clown spread.

My Mom:
Oh Geez...she's JuicyFruit ... god a womans body and a silly face. AND a silly personality to match. She persuaded me to play this game and she is so be easy people...only I get to razz her freely. Oh yeah, I like to call her queen of the harpies and give her a crown while calling her "Your Majesty."

My Aunt:
IT'S JEWEL ... oh so shiny I can only look at her while wearing sunglasses and standing at least 3 light years away with a 7 foot steel wall in front of me and a pinhole in the center to filter out all the excess light.